


past indifferent seagulls

by sandymg



Series: Beach Verse [6]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-02
Updated: 2011-11-02
Packaged: 2017-10-25 15:09:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/271671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I walk on the winter beach | from here to there | and beyond where the beach ends | past indifferent seagulls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	past indifferent seagulls

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Story title and summary from the poem _On The Winter Beach_ by Suchoon Mo.  
>  Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.

It’s the kind of sadness that’s not sadness at all.

Jensen stares at the gray expanse, white tips meeting slate sky. It smells cold. He shuffles his running shoes on the wet, packed sand. Their tread marks remind him of Neil Armstrong’s famous first footstep. He looks around and the emptiness overwhelms. It might as well be the moon.

He shuts his eyes and absorbs the sound. The ocean echoes like breathing. It laps into the curving shore with even pants. Heavy, wet slurps of air. Like someone dying. Or climaxing.

Salt tickles his nostrils and stings his cheeks. Arms surround him but hold no warmth, because no matter how hard he squeezes himself it won’t change a goddamn thing.

They say to appreciate the journey. Jensen works his way to the beginning. Remembers the first time he spotted Jared. Tall and muscular and drop-dead gorgeous. The want was there. He can’t deny that no matter how hard he pretends. They were making out within fifteen minutes and were fucking before the night was over. And it would have been a one-night-stand except Jared had looked so freaking hopeful as he asked for Jensen’s phone number, leaving his behind on the back of a receipt.

So Jensen had tried.

All his friends dated. It’s what normal people did.

_Empty hookups all your life, is that what you want, Jense?_

_No, I don’t want that. But, I don’t know … it doesn’t feel …_

_Doesn’t feel like what?_

_I don’t know._

A lonely seagull swoops down and lands nearby. Tracking the sand with miniature peace symbols. Like a bunch of mini-peaceniks attacked the moon. Jensen laughs. It sounds hideously loud in the silence.

Jared liked movies and cuddling and long walks in the moonlight. Jensen looks up now and the sun’s starting its downward path. He wonders how the deserted beach will look in the moonlight. Why come here alone, knowing how much his boyfriend would love this? Why hadn’t he offered this to Jared then?

What’s missing in his soul that makes him this way?

“Got an answer, Jonathan?” he asks the seagull.

The bird doesn’t even look up from where it’s pecking at some washed-up seaweed. The strands look black and slimy in the dimming afternoon light. The seagull doesn’t care.

Is this what Jensen looks like when he doesn’t give a shit? Is this the last thing Jared saw as he walked away, swiping angrily at his tears?

_You don’t give a crap, do ya? I could stay. I could leave. I could drop dead. Those fucking cold eyes wouldn’t even blink._

And Jensen’s silence damned it all as truth.

_You can’t just let it end this way._

_Nothing I can do._

_Of course there’s something you can do. There’s always something you can do. If …_

Danni never finished her thought. She didn’t have to. If you cared. Had a heart. A soul. Were human.

Jared had the soul. He had it enough for both of them.

It was warm when they met. Late spring and the buzz of summer was swarming around Jared in honeybee amber swaths. The glint hit the tall man’s eyes, turning them gold.

_Whoa._

_Super hot. Think he’s into you or me, Jense?_

_God, I hope it’s me._

_Probably is you, you lucky bastard._ She’d turned her smiling brown eyes at him, hair flaming red in the sunlight. _Send him my way after you break his heart. I’ll make it all better._

Danni had laughed that day. She wasn’t laughing now. All his friends had fallen in love with Jared. He was funny and friendly and warm. Caring and giving. The opposite of Jensen in every way. It was almost summer when they met. It’s almost winter now.

This.

Calm. Chilly. Empty. Is him.

Waves hitting the shoreline creep closer to where he’s standing. He keeps his gaze on the expanse of ocean and thinks about not moving. Could you drown standing still? Passively accept the water’s embrace. Must be icy. Maybe he’d quick-freeze. He looks down and kicks up another splatter of deep gray sand. How would anyone even know the difference?

_Don’t say that._

_Why? It’s true. I do love you._

_Just. Don’t. I … Stuff like that. I told you I don’t … do that._

Jared had stared at him a long time after that flat statement. Hazel eyes glued to his in that perpetual search. Always looking. Took a while, but he guesses now Jared finally accepts the truth. There’s nothing there. At the time, Jared had sought excuses.

_Your Mom always like that?_

_Like what?_

Jensen got that stare in lieu of an answer. Danni and Jared spoke like Jensen wasn’t even there.

_Yeah. Mrs. A. keeps it all to herself. That’s why Jensen spent so much time in my house when we were growing up._

_I’m really glad Jensen has you._

_Ditto._ Danni had looked at Jensen before turning back to Jared. _You know Jensen isn’t really like her, right? I mean, it seems that way sometimes, but—_

_Danni, I get it._

Jensen had cursed them both out. Very colorfully and with much expression. Danni laughed and Jared had kissed him. Lost in the taste of Jared’s mouth he’d forgotten what he was peeved about.

Jensen’s mother loved him. She had to, right? All mothers loved their children. He hadn’t really noticed that his mother was different until Kindergarten. Then he’d watched the other moms greet their kids with huge smiles and even bigger hugs. His mom was there, too. Waiting every day. Jensen would spot her and walk over because she didn’t like him to run. She’d take his hand and pull him along. Slack grip, never too tight, never warm. He let his fingers slide loose once just to see what would happen. His mother didn’t notice and his hand hung bare and cold. He’d quickly put it back, wriggled his fingers to get his mom to grip him again. She pulled her hand away.

_You’re old enough to walk by yourself now, Jensen._

She never took his hand after that and Jensen always blamed himself for letting go that first time. Maybe she would have held on longer if he hadn’t done that.

The gull flaps once, a shuddery, wispy sound, before flying off. Jensen watches its elegant swoop before it starts flying in earnest and disappears into the horizon. Nothing breaks the landscape now. The sky is murky, a gray-white expanse of clouds hangs low and heavy. The ocean varies from stone to dust to ash. Once, it had been vividly blue.

_Why are we here again?_

_It’s our anniversary._

_Anniversary? It’s been a week since we met, Jay._

Dimpled cheeks filled Jensen’s vision. _Exactly_.

_You want to celebrate that we met a week ago?_

_Here._

_I guess. Sort of. Was up by the boardwalk actually._

_You remember that?_

Jensen squirmed but didn’t know why. Shouldn’t he remember something that just happened? Jared smiled, white teeth sparkling against bronzed skin. Too much sun and Jensen burned. Stupid freckles multiplied. Was why he didn’t like coming to the beach.

Jared continued to gaze at him to the point of it being unnerving. _What?_

 _Just recreating it._ Jensen must have scrunched his face in question because Jared laughed. _The moment I first saw you. Thought you were the hottest man I’d ever seen._

Jensen knew he was good looking. And it’s not like nobody had told him this before. So he couldn’t explain his slight fluster. Or faster heartbeat.

 _Thought you were hot, too._ And why his words were coming out like oxygen was in shortage was really a mystery.

Of course he’d thought Jared was hot. Sizzling. That’s how they ended up back in Jensen’s apartment, clothes littering a trail from the front door to his bedroom. He managed to push it closed so his best friend and roommate, Danni, wouldn’t get a show, and went to work discovering just how much fun six-feet-five-inches of pure, hard muscle can be when properly motivated. And Jensen was a very good motivator. He had his lips around Jared’s cock before Jared could draw in his next breath.

It felt like he came more times that night than he had in the previous month. All his brain cells were spent. That must have explained why Jared was still there in the morning. And why he held onto Jared’s quickly scribbled phone number, hand hovering over the garbage pail until it trembled. Danni found it later that day.

_What’s this?_

_A phone number._

_Jared’s? The guy from the beach yesterday?_

_You remembered his name?_

_Didn’t you? Sounded like you were having a good time last night._

Jensen had shrugged. It was hot, sure. But most sex was, after all. Danni had stared at him oddly. _Why is it still here?_

Jensen knew she meant Jared’s number. His pause before answering is when she pounced.

_Empty hookups all your life, is that what you want, Jense?_

Empty. Like the beach. Like he is. Danni had said that Jared was different. A keeper. It’s not so much that he’d disagreed with her as that he truly didn’t understand what she meant. Not really. Not enough to be able to do anything about it. Jared is different. And he deserves someone more like himself. Capable of all those things Jared wanted that Jensen didn’t have to give.

_Jen, it’s not that I need to hear it back._

_No? Sure sounds like it. Because I told you I don’t—_

_Don’t what? Don’t love me?_

Jensen met Jared’s challenging gaze. _Why do the words matter so much?_

_They don’t. Not the words, anyway. But, Jen, I told you I was thinking of grad school on the west coast and you didn’t even blink._

He’d bristled. _I don’t do drama. You wanna study in California. It’s your life._

_I wanted to discuss it with you. I know it’s only been four months … but … I can’t imagine … Only I guess you can. Guess you can live your life without me just fine._

_What the fuck do you want from me? This is it. This is me. All I am. I never promised you more. Told you how I was from day one. Not romantic. Not sentimental. Never been in love. Don’t even know what the fuck it means._

_It means giving a damn when your boyfriend says he’s thinking of moving three thousand miles away._

The words rolled over and through and settled like a rock lodged in his gut. _Yeah. Well. Guess I’m not boyfriend material. No surprise to anyone._

The title had felt foreign. He’d used it once or twice before but it always ended within a few weeks. A couple of months with Jared, he’d been stunned when his friends started joking about marriage.

Chris said it first shortly after meeting Jared for the first time.

_Fuck, Jenny, he’s so gone over you I’m surprised he hasn’t stuck some sort of commitment ring on you yet._

Steve had chimed in. _You really haven’t boned anyone else in all these months?_

His friends were in a band and had just returned from touring. This strange development in Jensen’s life had stunned them.

He’d joked it away. _Nah, have you seen him? Not gonna find anyone hotter._

Neither friend said anything about it again.

Two days later they’d all gotten together at Jensen’s and Danni’s for a barbeque. Jared instantly brought everyone he met into his inner circle of warmth. He had Chris and Steve purring like kittens before the night was out. Many shots and beers later Jared kissed him swiftly and said he was heading to bed before he crashed. There was no question of his staying over, he was there pretty much full time by then. Jensen said he’d be right in, was just gonna take the trash out first.

He heard Steve and Danni talking as he was coming back in.

_Does he know?_

_Nah. You know how he is. Screwed in the head about some things._

Jensen’d made a noise and they instantly shut up. He figured they’d been talking about Chris and wondered what the other man had done to piss off Steve.

He can’t even say why he is remembering this now. Except that evening ended with Jensen wrapped around Jared. Just sleeping. As much as they fucked around, they did that a lot, too. Just slept. He didn’t know when the sleeping turned to cuddling. Or why it didn’t bother him. Never was much of a hugger. Still isn’t. Unless he’s in bed with Jared.

He doesn’t know where Jared is now. It’s been four weeks since Jared’s bitter parting shot. School would have started so likely he’s already settled into a new apartment somewhere. Probably near the ocean. Jared likes the beach. Much more than Jensen. He’d taken Jensen back to the beach this summer more times than Jensen can remember going in his life.

Kept saying it was their anniversary.

Around Labor Day Jared declared beach season over. _Wrong time of year, dude. Gotta go when it’s warm._

Jensen didn’t say anything at first. Then he’d looked at Jared and asked, _What about our anniversary?_

Jared hadn’t answered. Well, not with words. And Jensen never did understand what made Jared get so passionate so fast from Jensen’s question. He’d inhaled Jensen with a kiss so deep, so hard, that Jensen thought Jared was trying to climb inside his body. Not that he’d complained. Super horny Jared was always welcome. Only. Something else felt like it was going on. But Jensen didn’t get it. Sometimes he thought he really was mentally deficient because he was two steps behind everyone when it came to certain things.

_Call him._

_And say what? Don’t live your life. Don’t go to grad school. Stay with the emotional cripple who still doesn’t have a clue how he feels about anything._

_Jensen, you’re hurting._

_Am I? Feels more like anger. Mad at myself, truth be told, for not going with what I know._ Danni shook her head. But Jensen knew the truth. _Don’t have what he needs. Better off this way. He’ll get over me._

The cloud-smothered sun is fully gone now and the moon’s light fights to push through the hazy cover. An eerie silver bounces off the ocean’s stillness. The water’s icy fingers reach his shoes and he hears the little squish as he takes a step back. Again he tries to identify what he feels, the sadness that isn’t. The nothing left behind. He thinks of long legs and dimples and a smile that filled spaces he’d never known he had.

He tastes salt but the wind isn’t blowing hard enough to make his eyes tear. It’s odd and it burns and the ocean’s rhythmic laps are the closest thing to soothing he can remember in a while. Like the sound of the bath water his mother would run for him before she would shut herself outside the bathroom door.

“Wrong time of year for the beach, isn’t it?”

Jensen jumps. His skin prickles in surprise and his spin kicks up the clay-like sand. “J-Jared?”

“But then again, it is oddly beautiful. So deceptively calm, yet holding turbulent secrets.”

“You’re here.” Jensen cannot seem to get beyond the blatantly obvious.

“As are you.”

“B-but UCLA?”

“Why are you here, Jensen?”

“What?”

“Why are you here?”

On the planet? What did Jared mean? “I don’t—“

Jared takes a step closer. The moonlight turns his eyes silver. “Here. On this beach. Why?”

It is chilly but the shiver that runs through Jensen cuts bone deep from more than the temperature of the air. He feels like a wound-up top, like any minute he would be released and flung into the expanse of moonspun clouds. He can’t do this. He doesn’t know how to do this. He licks his lips to discover more salt. And something hard and solid tightens his throat, preventing speech. Yet, something leaks out … something between a whimper and a primal scream … something Jared hears.

The arms surrounding him radiate warmth. A hot band that draws him in and presses him close and he’s holding on and doesn’t remember how he moved. His grip is desperate, beyond needy, beyond begging. He thinks there’s talking but his voice is frozen so it can’t be him.

“Don’t go … please don’t go … please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Jen, I got you. I’m not going. I couldn’t. Not without you.”

Jensen lifts his hands to Jared’s face, palms holding on and brings his mouth forward, tasting more salt and heat and everything that means alive and good and safe and _loved_. He kisses until it tastes sweet. Until he can’t breathe. Pulls back long enough to gulp air and dives in again, twisting his tongue in frantic swirls to draw Jared impossibly closer.

“Love you … I … ” Jensen pulls back because he needs to see Jared’s eyes. “I love you.” The words leave Jensen’s lips in a rush. They should feel foreign and off but they don’t. They feel true. Like a part of him has woken up and is demanding its place in the world. He wonders if giving birth is anything like this. And it’s such an insane thought that he laughs.

For a second he worries, because laughing isn’t appropriate. Because he’s so emotionally stunted that maybe he’s getting this all wrong. Except Jared’s smile is battling the moon to dominate the night. His eyes are searching and Jensen prays Jared finds what he needs.

“I love you, too.” Jared’s face darkens. “I’m sorry I stayed away so long. Sorry that I hurt you.” He seems angry a moment. “I knew better. Should have trusted myself more.”

“Knew better?”

“Knew you loved me.”

“Did you? Because I kinda just figured it out myself.” Jared chuckles. Jensen wants to join in but a lingering fear remains. “What about California?”

Jared shrugs. “Doesn’t have this beach.”

Jensen could point that there might be a beach or two to be found in California. Instead, he turns in Jared’s arms until he faces the Atlantic Ocean again. Jared keeps his arms around him from behind and tucks his head down upon Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen brings his hands up to hold Jared to him. It’s still dark and fathomless and deceptively calm.

“What were you thinking about, staring out there?” Jared’s voice is honey soft near his ear.

“About how the summertime beach was warm and bright, and you. How it was you.”

“You think this beach, now, is you?”

“A little. Yeah.”

Jared shivers behind him and Jensen presses harder against the arms holding him, warming him. “Only. With you here it looks different. Feels warmer.” He shuts up because he knows he’s babbling like an idiot. He doesn’t do this very well. Doesn’t know how to explain it.

Jared doesn’t say anything. Just holds on even tighter and yanks them both backward when the water creeps too close.

“Still want an answer?” Jensen asks.

“To what?”

“Why I’m here.”

Jared turns Jensen back around. “It’s our anniversary,” Jensen says. “Um, twenty weeks. Well, about. Today.”

Jared’s eyes go soft and bright. Rather like they’d gotten after their first week. Jensen wonders. Thinks maybe this love thing has been hanging about him longer than he could possibly have imagined. But then he doesn’t have time to ponder that anymore because Jared’s lips find his again and the ocean’s waves are mirroring the thundering of his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **On The Winter Beach**  
by Suchoon Mo

I walk on the winter beach  
from here to there  
and beyond where the beach ends  
past indifferent sea gulls  
over beached kelps  
over bleached sea shells  
to the sound of crushing waves  
to the call of ebbing memories  
I walk on the winter beach  
I shall go  
I must go  
alone  
beyond where the beach ends

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: borgmama1of5


End file.
